Saturday, March 14, 2015

if you don't like it, leave

Eduardo walks through the lobby of an enormous skyscraper, surveys a wall of elevators, spots an empty one with doors open and walks in. He's on his way to a meeting with a man who promised to give him some paper he can use to pay the rent. The note had simply said "top floor, whenever you want it." Well, desperate times, right?

The doors begin to close, a man in a suit breaks into a sprint. Eduardo holds the door open. No "thank you".

Suitman hits the button for the second floor, the third, the many floors are there? It was raining outside when he entered. Eduardo asks suitman, politely, what he's doing. No reply. Suitman keeps hitting buttons. Eduardo asks again. More button pushing. He asks again, now with unmistakeable irritation in his voice. Suitman steps into the middle of the elevator, pulls his pants down and takes a dump.

"Oh shit. I meant to say 'what the fuck are you doing?!'" Eduardo shouts.

"Jesus, settle down. Why are you so angry?!"

"Why am I...what?!"

The door to the second floor opens to a brick wall.

"Hey, you're the one bothering me. I'm just going about my everyday life, doing what I do. I can have you arrested, you know."

"I'm bothering you?!"

The door to the third floor opens to a brick wall.

"I'm bothering you?!," he repeats.

"STOP SHOUTING AT ME!!!" Suitman takes another dump.


"What?! That's gold on the floor. You should appreciate it."

"No, it's not. It's shit. Maybe some people like shit, OK? I don't. The vast majority of people don't. Either way, that's shit, technically speaking. And again, fucking stop!"

"You should be glad I haven't kicked you out yet. I let you stay here out of the goodness of my heart!"

Suitman sticks a couple flags in the gold. "And, really, if you don't like it, leave."



Alternate title: "I'm nowhere bound, sure, but this shit is unnecessary"

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